PDF Ebook Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
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Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
PDF Ebook Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
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Audible Audiobook
Listening Length: 3 hours and 56 minutes
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: Oasis Audio
Audible.com Release Date: August 5, 2005
Language: English, English
ASIN: B000AQQHG0
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
Gary Chapman is an excellent writer who has tackled every stage of a marital relationship in his books. He writes from two interlocking perspectives; that of a counselor dealing with husbands and wives who are striving to improve their marriages and that of a Christian of deep faith. Having read several of his books, my marriage is that the broken stage and my estranged wife and I have found this book helpful as we work through being separated as we move toward saving our marriage. Of his books, Hope for the Separated has numerous references to Scripture which helps the reader in understanding why they need to turn to God's word during this most difficult time in their marriage.If one is struggling in their marriage, I recommend this book before looking at separating from one's spouse. Chapman's view on how to deal with this very emotional issue may well help one considering separation to seek help before breaking their bond with the spouse they once loved.
Dr. Gary Chapman has extensive training in counseling and it shows throughout this book. Unlike many other Christian marriage books written by people with minimal training or experience, in this book Dr. Chapman draws upon his years of counseling experience to guide people experiencing the deep pain of marital separation. He makes many great points such as (page 63) “we must acknowledge our feelings but we do not serve them.â€He makes another really good point on pages 36-41: “After separation, an inferior feeling person will typically blame himself for the failure of the marriage, then he or she pleads with the spouse for a chance to start over. When that is spurned, he or she sinks into deep depression and entertains thoughts of suicide….One of the steps in turning your thinking around is to realize that God has not given up on you….In spite of all that has happened God still intends to bring you to wholeness…….Accept God’s forgiveness, forgive yourself and concentrate on the future…â€The best chapter in this book is Chapter 4---Developing Your Relationship with God. Here Dr. Chapman teaches on deepening our walk with God. We appreciated how he emphasized the importance of strengthening our faith during the darkest times of life. This chapter was a pleasant surprise which you don’t often see in marriage books.The rest of this book emphasizes seeking ways to restore broken marriages. Over and over, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that the purpose of separation is reconciliation. (Page 93) “Your goal is reconciliation with your spouse. You want to keep all roads open in that direction.†But sometimes his advice sounds very cold. He writes on page 95, “You are separated but not divorced. Lonely and alone. Free to hurt but not to remarry……â€Then finally in the last chapter, Dr. Chapman recognizes that sometimes reconciliation is impossible. He writes on page 127, “God will not hold you responsible for the decision of your spouse. You are only responsible for your own attitudes and behavior. If reconciliation is not possible, do not think God’s purposes for you are over…..If your spouse will not return, God will still lead you from the valley of despair to the mountain of joy. God is not through with you.….in those hours when no one else can help, He will assure you of His presence.…â€That’s one of the best points in this book. But reading through the rest of the book leaves you wondering why Dr. Chapman keeps pressuring everyone to reconcile with their spouse when he knows that reconciliation will be clearly impossible in many situations. For example, on page 113, he again recognizes that “reconciliation is not always possible. Your best efforts may meet with coldness, hostility and eventual failure. Even God was not always able to be reconciled to His people.â€Then Dr. Chapman quotes Jeremiah 3:8 where even God Almighty experienced divorce. That’s a really powerful Scripture warning us that when even God Himself reached a point where the only option left was divorce----that can happen to us as well. Dr. Chapman continues, “God would not force Israel to return…..Many separated Christians have prayed and pleaded with God to ‘bring my spouse back.’ The spouse has not returned so the Christian becomes discouraged….God will not force your spouse to return.â€That is a really important point that has been lacking for several other popular Christian marriage books which we read. But the problem with this book is that even though Dr. Chapman recognizes the reality that you cannot force your spouse to return, he keeps pressuring people to wait endlessly, hoping and praying for reconciliation.On page 67, he gives this advice to people who are separated: “Don’t set time limits for yourself or your spouse. When you set limits, you are trying to dominate the other person.â€How long is someone supposed to wait for their spouse to make a decision to return? Dr. Chapman just acknowledged that the other spouse may never return. Are you supposed to wait forever? This advice is missing the point that there are Biblical grounds for divorce which don’t require a trial separation or waiting period. That’s what Jesus said in Matthew 19:9 and the Apostle Paul confirmed in 1Corinthians 7:15 by saying “let them depart.â€But when Dr. Chapman addresses the issue of infidelity, he gives this advice (pages 27-28) “What if your spouse is having an affair and is now separated from you?....First realize that the third person is never the full reason for separation…..your failures and those of your spouse brought about the demise of your marriage. Unresolved conflict, unmet needs, and stubborn selfishness eat away at the relationship…..therefore each partner must work toward reconciliation.â€â€œRefuse to let the affair be the issue…..Your spouse may not break off the affair immediately but the more you can do to resolve conflicts and communicate hope, the more attractive reconciliation becomes. When you are lashing out in anger or failing apart in self pity you do not make reconciliation very desirable.â€That’s not what Jesus said! According to Jesus, if your spouse has an affair, you can choose to end the marriage and move on with your life. Not sit around, being held hostage until the other person makes the choice for you. Why is Dr. Chapman more concerned about the feelings of the cheating spouse than the victim?In this book, Dr. Chapman doesn’t seem to recognize the deep pain caused by an affair when he writes that people need to just ignore the affair and “concentrate on restoring your own relationship…..Obviously you cannot be reconciled until your spouse breaks off the affair but DO NOT SET TIME LIMITS or demand any particular action!â€That’s a real problem when even God Himself sets limits with us. God said, “My spirit will not always strive with man.†(Genesis 6:3) We appreciated how Dr. Chapman mentions this on pages 82-83 when he writes, “Some Christians define love as totally placating the mate’s desires without regard to his or her behavior. This is something that God Himself does not do.…He has established boundaries….when we violate or rebel, God loves us too much to be silent.â€Since God sets boundaries with us, why can’t we also set boundaries in our personal lives? This book doesn’t seem to understand the concept of boundaries when it keeps pressuring people to wait year after year until their spouse makes the choice for them. However we appreciated that Dr. Chapman does recommend the book Boundaries for further reading----that book has a much better Scriptural study on how God expects us to set boundaries.Speaking of which, we appreciated how Dr. Chapman included an entire chapter in this book on “tough love.†That advice is really needed. But then when he begins addresses separations caused by physical and sexual abuse, once again Dr. Chapman continues pressing for reconciliation instead of recognizing that sending an abused wife back to an abuser is unthinkable!On page 80 he describes an emotionally distraught lady approaching him for advice on her marriage. She says, “My husband physically and emotionally abused me for eight years. He refused to work. I supported the family for seven years. Then I got sick. Even then he refused to get a job.â€Dr. Chapman advises her to separate from her husband and tell him that refusing to work is a sin (2Thess 3:10). That’s more than you’ll find in many popular Christian marriage books that tell wives to stay in bad situations. But the problem is that Dr. Chapman feels that her husband just needs some counseling from a pastor. Once he finds a job and attends some counseling sessions, then she should let him move back into the home if there’s “some evidence that things can be different.†Then Dr. Chapman tells her, “Your attitude is not to be one of abandonment but of love!â€How could Dr. Chapman send her right back to an abuser? Can a few counseling sessions really change the eight year pattern of abuse? Even Dr. Chapman acknowledges in his other book Desperate Marriages (page 98) that “my observation is that a highly controlling person who has dominated a spouse for many years does NOT change quickly.â€This book gets even worse on pages 83-84 when Dr. Chapman deals with the issue of “sexual abuse of children.†When spouses separate for that reason, he recommends “working closely with a pastor or Christian counselor†and not allowing the abuser to “visit the house†until “there has been considerable counseling and the counselor agrees that such a visit would be safe. A promise to change is not enough in these cases.â€But then once again he emphasizes “remember, our goal is reconciliation.†Reconciliation with a child molester? NO WAY! Jesus clearly said that it would be better for someone to have a millstone tied around them and thrown into the deepest sea than for them to hurt one of the littlest ones. (Matthew 18:6) And Jesus said that “when you did it to the least of them you did it to Me.†(Matthew 25:40)How could Dr. Chapman even consider the thought of pressuring someone to reconcile with a child molester? If reconciliation is so important, why did Jesus say that “I didn’t come to bring peace but division.†(Matthew 10:34) Besides, we all know the verse where the Apostle Paul tells the Corinthian church to kick out the guy sleeping with his father's wife. Would the Apostle Paul have pressured a wife to reconcile with a child abuser?Just when we want to give Dr. Chapman the benefit of the doubt, he repeats this horrific advice in his other book Difficult Marriages. There on pages 163-165 he gives a real life example of counseling a wife after she had discovered that her husband was molesting their daughters ages sixteen and eighteen. She wants to divorce the husband and protect her daughters by never seeing him again.Dr. Chapman advises her to separate but not divorce. He tells her to move out of the house and ask her husband to seek counseling. Then after “six to nine months†of counseling for the husband “when the counselor assures you that he has thoroughly worked through this problem then the two of you can begin to go for marriage counseling†which Dr. Chapman expects will last another “six to nine months.â€Reading that left us shaking our heads in horror, unable to believe that a Christian leader like Dr. Chapman would actually keep a wife trapped in that kind of relationship.Maybe Dr. Chapman said that because he believes that God hates divorce. That’s actually not in the Bible! What Malachi 2:16 (NIV) actually says is “The man who hates and divorces his wife,†says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect.†And the Bible says that God HATES “a proud look, lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood….†(Proverbs 6:17) That’s the key elements in domestic violence.Even Dr. Chapman begins to realize that so he concludes his discussion on child abuse by suggesting that (page 84) “getting back together without dealing with real problems is almost certain disaster.†But that advice is too little too late when he's spent the majority of the book pressuring wives to get back together.The Bible clearly commands us “not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive or is a drunkard or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.†(1 Cor 5:11 NLT) Why does the church require wives not just to eat with these types of husbands, but also to live and sleep with them too?Maybe that’s why Jesus warned us about how religious leaders will “reject God’s commands in order to keep their own tradition.†(Mark 7:9) What has gone wrong with Christian counseling that they would even consider pressuring a wife to reconcile with a child abuser? Even the most hardcore heathen counselor wouldn’t do that! This kind of thinking has no place in the body of Christ. That’s why we cannot recommend this book. Even though this book has some really good points, we cannot take the risk that it would lead to hurting one of the little ones. Remember what Jesus said about the millstone before you consider following this type of advice.
Could have been better, Dr.Chapman made some good points and bad points. He kept saying God will not force your spouse to come back to youA BOOK, I highly recommend is called single, married separated and life after DIVORCE by the late Miles Munroe.Another book , I highly recommend is The Prodigal's Perspective on the Rejoice Marriage Ministry website.This book is about a spouse that left his marriage and in this book you will know what the spouse went through life without you. Also it gives hope to keep praying for the spouse to return home
This is a good book to read if you are separated and you want to get back together, or you have hope that your marriage can be restored. If you don't know whether reconciliation is what is best, I would suggest reading Necessary Endings Necessary Endings. It really helps you to discern which direction to pursue and pray about.
I appreciate Dr. Chapman's writing and found this book helpful. I wanted to point out that there is a newer version of this book. It was "significantly revised" and republished under a new title "One More Try." If I had known this, I would have bought the newer edition. One More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart
This book is written for both the person that left and the one that was left. My husband left me out of the blue and I was devastated. I have read many books since he left and this is by far the best! I highlighted and made notes and am sending a copy to my husband. Maybe he reads it and it stirs something in his heart and maybe he doesn't but reading this book definitely helped in my healing process!One of my favorite quotes was "separation may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be the labor pains that will give rebirth to your marriage." He does not suggest that "the road to reconciliation is easy, but rather it is right and that the results are worth the effort."This book is written from a Christian perspective so it encourages reconciliation. If your spouse has left and you hope to reconcile, I highly recommend reading this book!
This book has brought new hope into what felt at times like a hopeless situation. How could a marriage of over 30 years fail all of the sudden....well, it's wasn't all of the sudden! We were missing tools that we needed to effectively communicate without harm or fear. When those tools are missing, we end up in woundedness and rejection.Gary Chapman is an excellent author; I plan on buying many more of his books. This is a quick read, but one you'll want to keep on your shelf for ongoing reference as you work through RECONCILIATION with your estranged spouse.
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